


Understanding

by thisisnotwhatihadplanned



Series: who I am today (always) [3]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Autism, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Loneliness, Self Acceptance, Sensory Overload, and jenna black is trying not to be angry, josh dun is learning how to be brave (he already is), she's firey, tyler's just learning how to get by and be loved
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2020-10-20 17:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20679281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisnotwhatihadplanned/pseuds/thisisnotwhatihadplanned
Summary: Tyler is seventeen.





	1. sensing and smiling

"Tyler, what did I say about picking at your lips?" 

"Please don't do that, Tyler." 

There was a lump in Tyler's chest. It wasn't his stomach or throat, but it lived along his digestive tract. 

His mother was relentless. He vomited yesterday. It was caused by nerves rather than sickness, but still. He hummed. One long, sustained note. 

"Deep breaths, Ty, it'll be okay." 

Tyler looked at his hands. Three of his nails were uneven from biting them, and his legs would bounce every few minutes. The sensations inside his body were enough to focus on without the outside, so he closed his eyes. He usually closed his eyes in the car, throwing his arm on top so his eyes could rest in the cool, soft crook of his elbow. 

After about five minutes of turns, the car came to a stop. 

The school was small. He'd been inside several times before. His mom was a teacher, and his dad was a basketball coach. He wouldn't be alone. If he didn't have any friends he could eat lunch in his mom's classroom. His right hand played Pachabel's Canon on his lap. 

"You're gonna do great Sweetie. It's everyone's first day of school."

"Not first day of school ever!" It would aslo  
be different if he were a freshman. He's  
a junior.

Tyler was going to throw up. His mom was speaking. 

"No... knows each other yet. You can find some kids who aren't... groups. And you can always find some basketball... Dad'll help you, he knows which... interest.... team... house." 

Tyler couldn't listen. 

"What?" 

His mom just shook her head and smiled. 

"I'm just repeating stuff I've already told you. I know it'll go well. And if it doesn't you can always come to me, Room 212, remember?" 

"Yeah." 

"Good." 

|-/

There was no way Tyler could focus on making friends. There was so, so much. All the time. It was like being at the grocery store. During a basketball game when the buzzer goes off. Only when the teacher brought everyone to order could he find a break. 

His english teacher brought respite, however. Well, her classroom did. It was at the end of the hall on the left side, room 128. Her classroom lights were dimmed, instead she strung soft colored lights around the room. There were bean bags in one corner, near the bookshelves. Tyler wasn't really interested in reading, but the bean bags and fuzzy carpet did cause him to shake his legs and hum. A boy next to him gave him a look. 

He'd have to mind what his body was doing. His muscles tensed. 

"Okay everyone, let's settle down. I know you're excited to make friends, but we do need to have a class." She laughed at her own joke.

"My name is Miss Jordan, and I'm so excited for this year. We've taken some novels out of the curriculum and replaced them with some more interesting books. I think they'll apply to you more." She opened a binder on her desk and took out some papers. "We're not going to start on a book right away though. Today is more about getting to know each other. I'm not gonna make you stand up and 'tell the class two interesting facts about yourself.'" 

She might have been mocking three of the teachers Tyler's heard today.

"So instead you're going to fill out these worksheets, and then pass them back to me. I'll mix them up, and your job is to find the person whose paper you have. Okay?" 

"Okay."

But no one else answered. His cheeks burned. 

She passed around the papers, stopping by each desk. Tyler muttered a shy 'thank you' when he recieved his. 

Miss Jordan smiled at him. "You're welcome, Tyler." 

She must've known his name from his mother. Or maybe the office. Maybe the teachers had a whole debriefing before he came into class about his 'learning differences'. His face burned for the hundreth time that day. 

"Okay, since a lot of you are finished you can just talk to a classmate while the others are finishing up."

Shit. 

Tyler scrawled his name messily in the top right corner and began reading the questions. Re reading the questions. The voices around him created a barrier between the words he was reading and his brain. He shook his head. 

'Favorite hobby?' Was the little bit of piano he knew considered a hobby? He scribbled it on the blank anyway. 

'Have you ever been to a different country?' 

A yes or no question, finally. 'No.' 

He had four questions left. 

"It looks like most of you are done, so you can pass it to the front." 

He wasn't finished. 

Tyler didn't know what 'passing it to the front' meant exactly. He'd never been in a class until 8 that morning. 

But something poked his neck, and he turned around. 

"Don't poke me please." 

The boy just looked at him. 

Then he shoved his worksheet into Tyler's hand. Oh. Tyler did the same with his, stacking the boy's on top. 

Tyler's skin would remember the exact spot that he was poked. 

In a whirlwind he'd passed his to the front, watched as the teacher separated the papers by two to trade, and given him a worksheet that wasn't his own. He studied the paper. 

In the top left corner was 'Jenna' written in neat cursive. The ink was also bright blue.

He was aware then of a flurry of movement. Someone was approaching him. She looked like she might be Jenna. He looked at her, at her soft blonde hair and wide grin. Her teeth were big. They seemed fitting.

"Tyler?" Her voice wasn't peircing like his sister's.

"Yes?" 

"I had a hunch you were Tyler! Also, I'm Jenna. Do you have my paper?"

She was a fast talker. He passed her paper to her. 

"Um, everyone's just sitting around and going over their sheets, do you wanna move or," she trailed off.

"Yeah, uh yeah. Sure. How about we sit on the bean bags?" 

"Okay!" Her peppiness was back. 

Tyler picked the beanbag in the corner, and Jenna chose to sit on the carpet instead. 

"Well, it says here that you play the piano?"

"Yeah." 

He needed to say more.

"Uh, I got a keyboard for christmas from my parents, and I'm learning the different chords. There are these things called chord progressions that make up a song, like when you play three chords in an order over and over? Well it doesn't have to be three, that's just an example. So many songs use them, basically every song. And they can make the mood totally different. Like an f chord is generally happy, but not excited. Content, I guess? So, yeah, it's really cool." 

He could feel Jenna's eyes on his face. Did he ramble too long? It was better than awkward silence he supposed. 'Ask her a question about her' his mother chimed in his head.

"You're in the girl scouts, right?" 

She grinned again. Or had she ever stopped? 

"Yeah! I'm kind of a junior troop leader? So I'm in my own troop, but I also help the brownies. That's the lowest ranking. They're like eight. It's really fun. I'm also student body president. It's a lot of work, but I don't mind it.

"Cool." 

He tried to avoid Jenna's eyes, but they were constantly on his face, trying to meet his eyes. He looked at her right cheek instead. He knew what color her eyes were. How could he not? They were the brightest blue he'd ever seen someone's eyes be. 

"Your eyes are really really bright."

Shit.

Jenna just laughed. 

"I've never heard that one before. Usually it's about the color. I get them from my mom." 

"Oh."

Tyler was still embarassed. 

But they kept going back and forth, answering each other's questions. Jenna laughed at some of the stuff he said, which was okay, because most of the time she laughed at his jokes, and not at something he was confused about. 

She let him take his time thinking of answers for the questions he hadn't finished, and didn't give him any 'looks'. He hated looks. Not so subtle ways of telling you that you were doing something weird. No, Jenna was much more straightforward. 

"That's not what that question means. I think she wanted to know your five favorite songs, not just listing five songs in general."

Oh. That clarified things. 'God rest ye merry gentlemen' was still on the list though. It was very interesting, musically.

"Do you have MySpace?" 

The teacher told them to go back to their desks. Jenna was standing closer to him than she really needed to. It wasn't exactly bad. 

"No."

"You should get it! We can message. Here's my account name. She wrote in the same neat font on his paper. JennaBee145. 

"Thank you." 

"No problem, Ty." 

No one had ever called him Ty outside of his family. It was different. 

|-/

Kelly looked up when she heard her classsroom door open. 

"Hey Tyler." 

Tyler waved. 

"How was it? Was it as bad as you thought?" Kelly smirked. Her oldest was melodramatic and it had gotten worse as he became a teenager.

"Kind of. But there's some nice stuff too."

"Like what?"

"I don't know." 

Tyler sat down on a desk chair and slumped over. Kelly took that as her cue to stop questioning him. She'd ask questions later. Instead she focused on packing her bag. 

|-/

Jenna's girl scout troop tried to meet every other friday night for a sleepover. Most of the girls were pretty tired from the week, so they usually just laid around in Jenna's room, talking over the movie that was playing. Yes, Jenna had a TV in her room. She was, as her friends reminded her constantly, extremely lucky. She also had a laptop, and a myspace. 

tylerrjoseph: Hello

Jenna grinned. She'd never met a boy as polite as Tyler. He seemed genuinely kind. 

jennabee145: hey! 

Was the exclamation too much? Tyler didn't use exclamation points. But at the same time that's how he talked in real life. His voice was kind of flat. Except when he hummed. His voice was so pretty. She reaized she was grinning. 

"Jenna's got a cru-ush!" 

"Hey! Stop being nosy, Chloe." 

Chloe just shrugged and continued reading over Jenna's shoulder. 

"Who's Tyler r Joseph?"

"Someone."

"Oh my god." Chloe flopped onto the bed. Jenna relented. 

"How old are you? It's just a guy from school. We're friends," Jenna frowned. "I think." 

"What's that mean?" All the girls' eyes were on Jenna now. 

"Well, we have two classes together. English and music." 

"Is he hot?"

Was Tyler cute? Sure, he was. His eyes were pretty and he had a good smile. Maybe he was hot, too. 

"He's cute I guess." 

"You like him, don't you?" 

"Well-" 

"Pizza's here!" Jenna's mom saved her. 

"You still have to answer after we come back up." 

Maybe she didn't. 

The rest of the night was spent dodging questions until the girls either forgot about it or decided to leave it. Jenna was always the last one to go to bed, so when the others quieted down, she crept over to her desk and grabbed her laptop. Pulling a blanket over herself to shield the light, she opened it.

tylerrjoseph: What's up?

tylerrjoseph: I wanted to ask if you wanted to go to the basketball game next Friday? It's a home game and I'm on the team.

Jenna's stomach lurched. 'Maybe I do have a crush on him'.

jennabee145: if i'm not busy! it sounds fun. 

She would make sure she wasn't busy. 

|-/ 

On Tuesday, nothing went right for Jenna. She woke up to her parents yelling at each other, about what she didn't know. It was always something different, something, in her opinion, that was trivial. 

"Hey Jen?"

"What?" Maybe it was snappy.

Ashley made a 'rawr' sound. This only made Jenna more encouraged to snap. 

"I'm dropping you off at school today, Mom had to go into work early."

"Okay."

Ashley was usually bareable. Her oldest sister was twenty one and taking a gap year (or three) before heading off to college. This meant she worked long hours at Target and babysat their cousins. 

The car ride was silent. 

She spilled her water bottle on her homework in history, and completely forgot her math homework at home. By English class, she was practically seething. 

None of her friends were in this class. Except for Tyler. He was hard to figure out. When they messaged he was personable and fun, kind, and even funny, in his own way. At school he seemed the opposite. Jenna had also never seen him at lunch, even though all the juniors had the same lunch hour. 

In anger induced boldness, she sat down right beside him. Marshall would have to get over it. He had a stupid name, anyway. 

"Hey Tyler."

Tyler apparently didn't hear her. His knuckles were white, hands clenched on the desk. She wondered what was wrong. She leaned over.

"Hey Tyler." 

He startled. 

"Oh. Hey Jenna."

"What's up?"

He scrunched his eyebrows. Tyler was a little odd sometimes. Most of the time. Jenna couldn't pinpoint it. She didn't waste her thoughts on it. 

"I'm, uh, tired."

"You don't sound very sure." 

"Huh?" 

Jenna decided to move on. 

"Are you doing anything today after school?" 

"Basketball practice." 

"Cool." 

Tyler nodded. He was still looking at her, eyes roaming somewhere around the side of her face. Jenna sensed he wanted to say something, but didn't know what. She had an idea. 

"We should hang out sometime. Are you free Thursday?" 

"Yeah." Tyler perked up. "We should go to the park!" He twisted his fingers around. "I mean, if that's okay with you?" 

Jenna grinned. "That would be great. Which one?"

Tyler stuck his hand in his hair; Jenna recognized it as a nervous (excited?) habit. 

"I'll text it to you. Here's my phone number. I don't really use MySpace, so." 

Jenna didn't feel so angry anymore. 

|-/ 

There was a park within biking distance of Tyler's house. And he biked there almost every day. The trail in the center branched into two forks, one with childrens' playgrounds, and one with swings dotting a path that led to the woods. Tyler spent many afternoons doing his homework and swinging. They were porch-style swings, so he could lay down and rock the swing from side to side to get it going, enjoying the back and forth. Back and forth and back and forth again. Endlessly. 

It was joy. 

It took three whole months of convincing his parents that he could go by himself, and he wasn't going to take it for granted. So he visited almost every day. 

He rarely brought people to his park. Rationally, he knew many people came and swung on his swing. But only Zach visited regularly when he occupied it. 

Jenna would have a good time here, he thought. Tyler could imagine her in this place, sitting on the swing with him. In his daydreams his words come out smoothly and he makes Jenna throw her head back  
to laugh at something interesting and charming he'd said. His body doesn't betray him. His movements are fluid and infrequent and controlled. They aren't a type of catharsis. 

He learned that word in English class and immediately knew what it meant. Instinctively. The word had weight and shape and it was easy for Tyler to push it through his lips. It looked like the broken phrases in the journal that his therapist encouraged him to keep but would 'not look at unless you want me to, Tyler'. 

Yes, words were always easier to use if they weren't abstract. He pushed it out of his mouth, emphasizing the 'th'. CaTHarsis. 

"Tyler?" 

Tyler looked up from the ground. 

"Hey Jenna." 

"Hey."

"Can I sit here?"

Tyler nodded. Why would she ask? Oh. He scooted over. 

Jenna giggled at that and sat down. She was a little nervous, to be honest. Most of her friends were girls. She had no brothers. And it didn't help that Tyler was cute. 

"So, how was school?" Jenna started with a general question.

"Okay." 

Hmm. She'd have to coax him. Or maybe his day really was that boring. 

"Miss Jordan assigning two papers at once really blows. I mean, I know we're supposed to 'be prepared for college,'" Jenna  
imitated their teacher, "or whatever, but we're not in college. We're in high school."

"Yeah." Tyler scooted away from her. Jenna tried not to notice. 

"What-what is your topic for the second paper?" 

Tyler wasn't prepared for this. He should have scheduled a day where he didn't have school. A day where he'd have more preperation. 

'A day where you're not you.' The voice in his head hissed. The one that only spit words like venom straight down Tyler's spinal chord. 

Jenna was oblivious to the one-way conversation in his head. 

She hadn't picked a topic yet. They were supposed to write on the subject of creativity. Miss Jordan said that everyone was creative, it just took a little while to surface for some people.

"I haven't picked one to be honest. I don't think I'm that creative. Like," she turned her body towards Tyler, "I can paint decently, and I have an A in music class. But when I paint I'm not really expressing anything, I just want it to look pretty. And I don't even care about flute."

Tyler gave no indication he was listening. Jenna couldn't help her dissapointment. But then his eyes landed on her hair. He gave a faint smile and returned his gaze to the swing's chains. They were covered in black rubber. 

It wasn't a good day to come. Jenna's perfume was making his words go down, down his throat and into his belly. There was a voice in his head. 

'Think Tyler! Say something! Tell Jenna she is, that she is...'

Tyler couldn't give a clear definition of who Jenna was. He knew he had a crush. But he didn't know what to do with this information. And her makeup was mixing with her perfume and he was grasping for something to say, to say, to say, to say, tosaytosaytosay...

"I have to be home by seven so we can eat dinner."

"Uh, okay? Sounds good!"

Jenna was confused. 

"What was your topic for the paper?"

"I have to be home by seven so we can eat dinner."

"You said that," Jenna twisted her hair around. "Uh, you want to walk around or something? There's an ice cream place up the road." 

Tyler uttered a barely audible 'yes' and stood up. 

They made their way to the ice cream parlor, Jenna wondering what was happening and Tyler mouthing his line about dinner. Tyler stopped at the door. 

"You coming in?" Jenna giggled, but she wasn't so sure anymore. Did she know Tyler at all? Was he about to have a stroak? She remembered her uncle, who didn't make sense for an hour before his brain stopped working. She shivered.

But Tyler was sixteen and healthy. The odds of that happening were slim. 

Tyler walked to the men's room. 

Breathe. 

Plug your ears and breathe. 

He could hear entirely too much and his insides were invaded. The distinction between 'in here' and 'out there' was blurred. 

He couldn't have a meltdown. He couldn't lose control. But he was hurting.

you: Sorry Jenna, I'm sick. I need to go home. 

jenna: *typing*

Tyler's breath hitched. Would she ask why he wasn't just telling her that? It'd cross her mind, surely. 

jenna: ok, no worries, i'm sorry ur sick. :(

|-/ 

Tyler put himself back together. It would be okay.


	2. Talking and Therapy

"Ty-Ler. Would you like to take a walk?"

Mrs. Wetzel over enunciated every word, the hard k's and t's cutting into Tyler like a knife.

In the first three weeks of school, Tyler learned that 'would you like to take a walk' meant that you were misbehaving, being a burden, annoying the other students, or all three. 

There was anger inside of him. 

Still, his eyes avoided her face as he got up from the piano bench. 

This saddened him more than he could properly feel. Right now he couldn't feel much. The anger was gone. 

He was allowed walks to calm down, but that was the extent of his school's accomidation. 

"I want to go back to my piano." 

His piano, the one at school (his at home was a keyboard, and if he could carry it everywhere he would) was beautiful and important and Tyler's hands knew every scratch and smooth patch the instrument offered. 

The flourecent lights at the end of the music wing flickered, and Tyler ducked into the empty choir room to find respite. Oh how he wanted to lay on the floor, with its scratchy carpet and humming pipes. That would get him in trouble, however, so instead he sat on the piano bench.

This was not the music room piano. But it was better than no piano at all. 

There was a shuffling. Footsteps. Tyler hoped it wasn't a teacher. 

"Um."

Josh didn't want to startle the boy. He kept the lights off. There was an atmosphere in the room he dared not disturb.

This was a stupid idea. Tyler wouldn't want him in here, in his buisness. Josh was impulsive though, which wasn't a good trait to pair with crippling anxiety. 

Anxiety also made his brain freeze up, so that's why his hand was raised the entire time he was asking to go to the bathroom. 

It was not okay.

"Hey."

"Hello, I'm Tyler."

It was rehearsed. Josh was oddly charmed.   
Maybe it was because he rehearsed stuff too. 

"I'm not interrupting anything am I? I just-I saw you leave, I'm a drummer. I'm Josh."

Tyler blinked once and started wringing his hands. 

"Josh. I- thank you."

"Yeah."

They studied each other, Tyler not looking directly out of discomfort and Josh out of politeness. 

"I'm gonna sit." 

Josh nodded, sitting on the floor to make Tyler feel less alienated. 

Tyler started moving, and Josh didn't know what to do. So he just sat still. Tyler's body language was always off, not that he'd been staring or something. You just notice more sitting in the back with the drums. 

He also noticed Jenna, who'd talk and giggle with Tyler from her seat. She was the only one he'd talk to. Jenna was lovely.

"Hmmmmmmmm"

Tyler had a good voice. Soft, melodic, pretty. 

He reached up to press one of the piano keys down. It was done with great reverence, Tyler almost caressing the keys with his left hand. He brought his other hand level with his ear.

Josh checked his phone. It'd been about ten minutes, and if he went back to music class everyone would know he wasn't just in the bathroom.

"You wanna ditch?" 

Damn it.

"Um."

"I mean, you don't have to, but school kinda sucks, and we can go do something better. Or I can just drop you off at your house?" 

"Sure, Josh."

"Okay." 

They both stood up. Josh wanted to walk beside Tyler but he refused to keep the pace. 

Once they were seated in the car, Josh started panicking. 

Why? Why was he sitting in a car with a person he barely knew, a person who didn't seem to like him? Shit.

"So" he cleared his throat "where to now?" 

"Home is good." Tyler closed his eyes. He hated being in the car. He hated being in a different car with a new person who was judging him. 

He dug his nails into his forearm. 

That was the end of conversation during the car ride. Instead, Josh started some music. They were both grateful. 

Somehow it was okay that he was playing his favorite music with this new kid. He barely wanted to play it in front of his three siblings. It was too personal. It was exposure.

Tyler didn't say anything and usually that's almost as bad as a negative comment. He'd be wracking his brain normally, searching for a source of comfort.

You're not weird Josh, you're okay.

But instead he just focused on the music, on the directions of Tyler, and driving. 

|-/

Josh was in Tyler's bedroom. Which was no more strange than the rest of the situation. Tyler seemed better here. He learned more about Tyler from his room. He had a brother, he was very, very into basketball, and he was pretty clean. 

"I don't wanna pry, but, like, what happened in music?" 

Tyler looked down.

"I was overwhelmed. The piano was on stage left. It's supposed to be on stage right. Jenna didn't say hey today." 

Josh didn't know what to say to that. He nodded.

"I'm-I'm autistic." 

Josh really didn't know what to say to that. Curse his awkwardness. 

"Okay." 

That made Tyler laugh for some reason, and Josh worried.

"Did I say something wrong?"

"No! No. That's just a new one. Usually it's less... straightforward. Thank you." 

Actually, it was good. Really good, compared to the answers he got. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Sure." 

"Do you want to see my music?"

"Yeah, that sounds cool."

|-/

Jenanne's office was perfect. 

Out of all the therapists in Columbus, she was the one who specialized in teens with autism. No, there were more, but Tyler didn't want to remember them.

He was thirteen when he met Jenanne, thirteen when it clicked. She knew. She really knew who she was working for, mentoring, talking through depression. 

Not everything in her office was fun to do, no. But it was productive. Tyler wasn't afraid of hard work. 

The most important thing was the way she let him breathe. Perhaps more than even his own parents. 

Sitting on the floor was fine. Lying on his back was fine. Shaking his head, talking endelssly. Squeezing his hands, flicking his ear, flapping his fingers, humming, chirping, moving. It was all welcome in this room. 

"Hey Tyler."

"Hey Jenanne."

"You wanna start right away or do you want a breather first?" 

"Breather."

"Okay. I have new coloring books if you want."

His therapist's voice was soft and clear. 

Coloring books would normally seem condecending to a seventeen year old, but Jenanne putchased books with difficult geometric shapes, intended for adults. 

He took his usual spot next to the wall. He could feel the air conditioning running right outside. He matched its pitch.

"How was school?"

How was school? 

Tyler didn't think in words. He thought in pictures and patterns and sensations. His words were somewhere in his stomach. It took him a minute to translate the flourecent lights and jittery legs and running late to class. 

"Busy."

"Did you use any of the conversation starters."

"Yes."

Jenanne smiled. She picked up a red colored pencil and started shading a flower on her page. 

"What was it like?"

"It was on Jenna. She told me about cheer a few days ago so I asked her how cheer practice went. She smiled."

The therapist hummed thoughtfully.

"Did you talk to any other students at school?"

"Hmmmmm..."

If Tyler had any less self control he'd press his ear to the wall to feel the vibrations.

"Joshua Dun."

"What's he like?"

"Uh, he's very kind. He didn't care about my weirdness, and he drums. He loves music. He has gagues and I didn't say anything about them."

"He sounds cool."

She picked out a green pencil. 

"I'm not gonna interrogate you like this every week, I just want to know how school is. Is it okay senses-wise?"

Tyler shook his head. He had no words for the pain and exhaustion that flooded his head, his body, his bones. 

"Let me see what we can do."

|-/

Suffocation happens in a van filled with other sixteen, seventeen, and eighteen year old boys. Loneliness is more dagger-sharp when you're surrounded by others you're supposed to emulate. Tyler sits on his hands and looks ahead. 

He watches his father, with his coach uniform on. A look is shared between them. 

"It's gonna go well, Tyler."

Tyler didn't know if he meant the game or all of it. Jenna was watching today. Her smile was a comfort. 

His phone vibrated. 

jenna: i'll be a few minutes late sorry :( but i'm still coming! 

you: okay

Tyler took a deep breath.

Once the team was in the gym, Tyler could talk. 

Nick was kind, and a little bit quieter than the rest of the team. He wasn't as intimidating. 

"How good are the Bears?"

"They're all right. We've beat them twice, they've beat us twice. But that's before we had you. We're gonna crush it."

Tyler was a pretty good player, to be honest. 

With a hard slap on his back, Nick fell into pace with the rest of the team running laps. Tyler followed suit. 

Jenna showed up in the second quarter. Her eyes were puffy, but she had a smile on her face and gave a goofy thumbs up to Tyler. 

"Ty! Ten seconds."

His father knew how much the buzzer hurt. He covered his ears with two seconds left. 

"Agh!"

"Yeah!"

"We've got this one!"

Tyler stepped back to avoid the fury of congratulations.

"Boys. Huddle up."

Chris looked at them sternly. Tyler knew it wasn't genuine.

"We haven't won yet. Keep the... strong. Don't let... one. They're going to be...the win." 

Jenna wasn't in the gym.

"Tyler! Pay attention."

After the game, Tyler searched for Jenna.  
Quiet sniffles were coming from the hallway. 

"What's wrong Jenna?"

Jenna wiped her eyes with her thumbs. 

"Um, my parents told me this morning that they're getting divorced. I guess-I mean, it was naive of me to think they weren't but-" 

"Oh." 

Tyler stepped closer. 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's fine." She smiled. "Hey, two birthdays." 

"Did you guys win?"

"Yeah. 45 to 13."

Jenna looked at Tyler. 

She was going to have fun. It was okay. This wouldn't stop her. She was angry. 

"Let's go out."

Tyler's face flushed even more. 

"Like a date?" 

"Yeah."

"I'd- yeah sure."

Jenna kissed his cheek.

"See you Saturday."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! please tell me some more ideas you'd like to see if u have any.


	3. in a simple place

There was a groove in the wood panel on Josh's bedroom floor. Tyler could fit his pinky fingernail inside. He shivered. 

Josh's bedroom was cluttered and kinda stunk, to be honest, but it was huge. It was the basement He shared it with his freshman brother, Jordan, who seemed kind. 

Tyler was scared that Josh would feel like a third wheel since Jenna was with him, and they were kind of a thing. At least that's how it went in the movies. 

Things mostly don't go the way things do in movies.

It was a good date. 

Eight weeks passed since starting school. 

And then Tyler had two friends, one of whom was a sort-of-girlfriend, and it made his heart swell. No more loneliness. Well, some loneliness, but he had people to be with. People to have experiences with he never thought he'd get to have. 

"No fair!"

"Josh!"

Tyler looked to the commotion. Jenna won. Again. Josh kind of sucked at mario kart, and Jenna was only matched by Tyler, who spent hours playing every day when he was twelve. It's something you never unlearn. 

It's also something that gets you grounded for too much screen time. 

"I get to play the master champion." 

Tyler nodded and picked up his controller. 

Jenna almost won. 

Josh grabbed another handful of chips and started talking. Jenna loved it when it was just the three of them, she got to see Josh's personality shine a little bit more. She got to see Tyler seeing Josh. 

Josh was funny, but never rude; teasing, but never mean. And he had a great love for music. Something Jenna wished she could tap into. Both of her boys had passion. Real passion.

Tyler talked about music theory as if he'd discovered how to turn iron into gold. And he did a little bit. It amazed her what he could make by poking around on his keyboard. And Josh. Josh loved loud music and beats that thrummed through the floor. He was talented too. She looked to the kit in the corner, separated a little bit, as if they were almost sacred. She supposed they were, to him. 

"Jen?" 

A pair of concerned brown eyes met hers. 'Jen'? 

She laughed it off, to show Josh she was okay. But then she realized there was no Tyler. 

"Where's Tyler?"

Josh shrugged. 

"He went out the door."

Josh pointed to the door that led outside. Their "basement" was actually just a large first floor, because the house was built on a hill. 

Jenna just looked to the door. She didn't want to insult him by getting worried, but Tyler always told people where he was going. Always. Years of overprotective parenting made him announce to the room, even when he was going to the bathroom. 

"I'll just go see." 

Tyler was sitting on the ground outside the Dun house.

Jenna sat next to him.

"Hey." It was quiet. 

Tyler looked up at her. 

"Hey Jenna. Sorry-"

"No, Tyler."

They looked forward. Jenna wanted to look at Tyler though. Bad. She wanted to see his profile, his lips, his wandering eyes. She settled for playing with her hands. 

"You know, uh, when you're moving houses and everything, everything hurts because it's a moment that will never come back? Like that house will never be yours again? That space in time?"

Jenna nodded. She knew that all too well. There would never be a Christmas with both her mother and father. Old growing pains ached again. 

"It feels like that, when I watch you-you and Josh, I mean-and remember how things were. Because even though I've moved from a small house into a mansion, and it's so much better, it's just..."

"New?" 

"Yeah."

"Josh and I won't rush."

"Thanks." 

Tyler's voice gave out, but Jenna heard him force it. The word held weight. 

"I almost got grounded last week, for ditching with Josh."

Tyler turned toward Jenna. 

"But my mother was just happy I'd talked to him." 

"That's good Tyler."

The air felt almost reverent, stilling for this quiet truth. 

Here it was. The moment Tyler's thoughts cleared. He would hold Jenna's hand. He looked forward. 

Oh. This was new. Jenna looked at their intertwined hands. Tyler's hand was soft and he held hers gently, as if he was afraid it would break. 

Josh looked absolutely miserable when he tread over to their spot on the grass. He was clearly waging a spirited debate in his head. Jenna bekoned him with a smile. 

They sat like that for some time, Jenna's head on Josh's shoulder and her hand intertwined with Tyler's. They talked.

|-/

"Stop bothering your brother Ty."

Tyler bit his toungue and heard static.

"I would like to be excused please."

"No, Tyler, you can finish family dinner."

Jay hopped up onto his feet. 

"Stop it!"

"Zach,"

Zach was poking Jay. Tyler was bothering Zach. Apparently he needed to turn the light off before he usually did. 

It was new territory. 

"Also!" The word was sharp. 

"Tyler, have you applied anywhere yet?" 

He hadn't. He shook his head. He wanted to throw up. 

"I did, Burger King and Thompsons, down the road." Zach had a competitive streak.

It exhausted Tyler to think about; talking to the manager. 

Tyler drifted, his focus moving to the fork he was idly moving on his plate. 

|-/

The buzzer finally went off and Tyler could wipe the exhaustion and sweat off his face. He guzzled half his water bottle and made a bee line to the locker rooms.

He got a stall. Everything was a lot so he took a few luxurious minutes of silence to begin stitching himself back together. 

There was a bubble in his throat that urged him to hum and scream, but that couldn't be remedied, not im a locker room where people would be soon.

Several bangs of doors opening and excited chatter alerted him of his teammates. His father's booming voice was absent, however. This was uncommon but not so much that Tyler panicked. Twisting his fingers so they would cooperate, Tyler focused on unzipping his bag. 

The chatter faded to background noise until a few minutes later when he had dried all the sweat off his body. 

"Next Friday, my house." 

He heard several "yesses" and "sure things". Nick's low voice stuck out to Tyler.

"I'll tell Tyler."

It seemed friendly enough. But the rest of the team laughed. 

The bubble in his throat sank to his stomach, taking all the warmth. A chill went down his spine and his hands started hurting. He hoped what he thought was happening wasn't happening. 

"Yeah, you do that."

"He's on the team, Jack."

Nick sounded serious. Tyler dug his nails into his forearm. 

"Nick, come on. Did you see him today at halftime?"

Another voice piped up.

"Yeah." 

Several painful, unimagineable noises could be heard. He dared to peek at his imitator. Tyler shut his eyes so tight he started seeing shapes in the darkness. 

Did he really sound like that? 

More laughs. 

It was like watching your little brother dissect a fish. You want to stop looking but you can't. It's a thousand times more painful. 

Tyler's ears ring. 

"Seriously. How the hell did he get Jenna?" 

A gleeful voice chimed in. 

"Hey man, don't feel so down. You'll get your chance. I'm betting she just feels sorry for him."

His skin broke. 

That unfroze him. 

A view of himself in the mirror. He looked less like a person and more like a grouping of odd angles and features. Morphing into something ugly. Something that was so ugly he could hardly stand to breathe. 

These feelings always came fast, drowning him. 

His pants weren't buttoned because he couldn't get his stupid fucking fingers to stupid fucking work. 

And stupid fucking Mike and stupid fucking Nick were looking at him. And Jack. 

Jack did something that made those feelings come back. 

The ones that made Tyler long to eat his own skin, to tear it to ugly shreds. Flesh and bone and broken brain. 

His words were gone. What he wanted to say he didn't know. 

So he went back to empty playgrounds and being shoved and kicked. He growled. Loudly. 

This added fuel to Jack's fire as he waved his hand around stupidly, in a way that Tyler never had, in a way that wouldn't even feel good because of how harshly he was flicking his wrist. 

No words or gestures could compare to the ones Tyler was speaking to himself. 

He ran.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!


End file.
